I'm 63 and I've put off this question for a year because honestly I didn't want to think about him. We were married 14 years, divorced in 2004, I never remarried. He did, twice.
My own Social Security is small. I stayed home with the kids for most of the marriage and then did office work, so my statement shows about $1,050 a month at 67. He was an engineer and earned well his whole career. A friend at church said I might be able to get half of HIS benefit instead, which would be a good deal more than mine.
Questions, in order of how much they keep me up at night. Will he be told? Will it take anything away from him or his current wife? Does he have to be collecting already, because I have no idea if he is and I'm not calling him to ask. And is it really half, or is that like the "half" people talk about for married couples that turns out to be less?
I can answer the one that is keeping you up. No, he is not told, and nothing comes out of his check or his wife's. I've heard that from three different people at Social Security over the years about various friends, and it has always been the same answer. The rest is better answered by someone who knows the numbers.
A woman in my building did this a few years ago. She didn't have her ex's Social Security number, just his full name, date of birth, and their marriage and divorce dates. Social Security found him from that. She said the hardest part was digging out the divorce decree.
#4October 1, 2026, 10:30 am Joanne B. said:
Will he be told? Will it take anything away from him or his current wife?
Joanne, Carolyn has the most important answer right, and the rest is good news too. The general rules, which Social Security will confirm against your actual records:
You can generally claim a divorced spouse benefit if the marriage lasted at least 10 years, you are currently unmarried, you are at least 62, and he is at least 62. His remarriages don't matter at all. Your claim does not reduce his benefit or his wife's. As far as I know he isn't contacted about it either, and you can ask them to confirm that at your appointment.
On whether he has to be collecting: if you have been divorced at least two years, he does not have to have filed. That is the rule for divorced spouses specifically, and it's one of the few places the divorced rules are easier than the married ones. Since 2004 is a long time ago, you're well past that.
On "half": you're right to be suspicious. It is up to 50% of his full retirement age amount, and that is a ceiling you reach only by claiming at your own full retirement age of 67. Claim before 67 and it is permanently reduced, the same steep reduction Daniel walked through in the thread about a wife turning 62. And you don't get your own benefit plus half of his. Social Security pays your own first and then tops it up to the spousal amount if that is higher. The site's guide to spousal and survivor benefits has the divorced spouse section with the details, including what happens if he dies first, which for an ex-wife after a 10 year marriage can be worth considerably more.
What I can't tell you is his number. Social Security can, once you apply or make an appointment and give them his details. Debbie's tip is right: name, date of birth, and your marriage and divorce dates are usually enough, and bring the divorce decree.
Thank you, all of you. The not being told part, I can't explain how much that matters to me. Made an appointment for later this month.
The survivor part Linda mentions is worth asking about at the appointment. When my wife and I sat down with a planner this summer it was the survivor piece that changed our decision, not the spousal one. If he's older than you, it may matter sooner than you'd like to think.
Back from the appointment. They found him with what I brought. The spousal estimate at 67 is a little over $1,600, against my own $1,050. At 63 it would be noticeably less, about what Linda said to expect. They also explained the survivor benefit, which I had honestly never once thought about for an ex.
I'm going to wait until 67. Mostly because I can, I'm still working part time, but also because it feels like the first financial decision about that marriage I made entirely for myself.
